Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Randomize
