I know it's VERY late and i know i may have burdened you, but on the chance that it's sat nite- are you up or willing to be? Christinas camping and i'm chillin alone.
youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
