I wish I could punch you in the face.
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
