Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
