You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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