All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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