I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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