eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
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I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
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Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
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