I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
You left your phone here
Wait...
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
