She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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