ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Randomize
