Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
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