1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
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