So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
