you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
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