i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Randomize
