Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
