Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Holy sore nipples Batman
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Randomize
