She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Randomize
