Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
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