I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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