my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Randomize
