I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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