It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
Randomize
