This girl is more easily done than said...
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
