He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
this hospital has no fireball
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder