my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
25 Porn Addicts Admit Their Biggest Pet Peeves
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
These 23 People Walked In On Someone And Saw Some Crazy Sh*t
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar