Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
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