And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.