My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.