Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
I understand Curling. That high.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Randomize
