A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Randomize
