PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
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