dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Randomize
