Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
birth control should be required to get into college
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
