Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Randomize
