My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
