Already got asked if we're dating
You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Randomize
