Oral text is very safe with the right protection.
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
