I wish I could punch you in the face.
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
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