guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
