My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
