My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
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