Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize
