when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Randomize
