please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Randomize
