oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
she woke up with a sticky ear
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
He ate me out for my sailor moon manga and I gave him a blowjob for his Devilman manga. Pretty sweet deal imo
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