What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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