I think we need to take a brake
What upsets me the most about that is that you spelt it 'brake'
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Every concussion has its silver lining
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
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