Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
Randomize
