You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Randomize
