he confused my yawn for an orgasm
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Having never done that before, When should one expect the horrible shame to end? Days, months, ever?
A week or so, depending on size. In your case, maybe give it a month.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize
