I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
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