Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
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Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
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There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
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