Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
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your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
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Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
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