you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
You took a bar mat shot.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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