you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
