I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
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