I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
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you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
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According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
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