New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Randomize
