Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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