if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
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